It’s Time.

In previous years my first post of the year was either lessons learned or some sort of resolution list. I think it’s safe to say this won’t be either of those things.

If you haven’t noticed, I lost my will to write somewhere in 2012. (My best guess is that it got lost somewhere in July between becoming unemployed and losing track of other goals)

Nonetheless, here I am – writing again. The thing is it’s I’m different this time.

It’s time for me to make something of myself.

For the past couple of years I’ve been “in transition” and I still am. For those of you who are unaware of what I mean by “in transition“; it’s the point in your life where you’re old enough and mature enough to be an adult and have your own opinions, but you’re not quite settled yet ― you’re still in the process of creating your life and deciding who and what you want to be.

With graduation quickly approaching I’ve realized that the other side of transition is not as far as I thought it was, and whether or not I’m ready for it, it’s time to make decisions.

Needless to say my first reaction to this realization was, “what the hell am I supposed to do now?!” and I felt this way for months…

And then I had a conversation with a friend of mine, and he said something so simple yet so oddly comforting:

“Nobody knows what to do next.”

That’s right. Nobody. Meaning I’m not the only one with an unclear path… Meaning it’s okay to not know exactly what’s going to happen next. The more I thought about it, the better I felt, and the more I realized I’m ready for this.

I now have a plan (somewhat) of what the next 2 years of my life are going to entail. It’s not going to be easy, but it’s definitely going to be an adventure. First up on the list: get through my last term of school – and make the most of it!

“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.”

― Robert Frost

79 days

It’s been 79 days since I last wrote. I’ve been considering shutting down my blog for the past while… Mostly because I haven’t felt inspired to write anything, but here I am.

I guess I feel as though I’ve sort of backtracked a little bit… When I began writing, things kept getting better and better, and my growth was positively exponential. “Was” is the key word. Somewhere along the line I stopped feeling like I was making progress. I stopped feeling like I had anything of value to say.

When I started this blog I was in a very low place, and as I wrote I grew, but now I’m starting to feel like all the lessons I learned along the way – the ones that made me stronger, more confident, and secure – have somehow been taken away from me.

History has a way of repeating itself, and unfortunately for me it seems as though I’m back at square one, just in a different setting.

What’s difficult is that I know the lessons. I’ve heard the words of wisdom, and I’ve believed them. But even so, I’m finding it hard to genuinely believe in myself and make the choices I know I should be making.

I’ve come to the realization that I’m starting to feel less like the girl who was unbelievably proud of herself 6 months ago, and more like the girl who started this blog. So how do I find the unbelievably proud girl?

Maybe the first step is to stop worrying that my growth has slowed. Maybe I just need to stop trying to have it all at the same time. Maybe I just need to see greatness in my current state.

I need to stop behaving like I’m less of good person just because I’m not improving every aspect of my life at high speeds. Being myself should be enough to be proud; it should be enough to be genuinely happy.

“If you feel lost, disappointed, hesitant, or weak, return to yourself, to who you are, here and now. And when you get there, you will discover yourself, like a lotus flower in full bloom, even in a muddy pond, beautiful and strong.”
― Masaru Emoto

Pay it forward

It’s a beautiful thing – appreciation

Knowing that someone recognizes you in some positive way is one of the greatest feelings… It promotes confidence, self-esteem, and motivation to continue performing.

I had an incredible experience this past weekend, working for one of the largest street festivals in the country. I did things I had never done before, but it somehow came naturally, and although it was a lot of work I absolutely loved it.

I had the privilege of working with so many fantastic people, and somehow I received a lot of unexpected praise. The kind that makes you blush humbly, but that also provides you with this new drive and desire to excel.

Going into this massive event I didn’t know what to expect, and a small part of me was a little bit nervous, but a greater part of me was excited.

Coming out of it I feel that I got so much more out of it than I had ever imagined. I met a lot of really great people, I gained new experiences and uncovered hidden talents, I realized my love for this type of work, and most importantly I reinforced my appreciation for gratitude.

A little gratitude can go a long way. And being both the receiver and giver of gratitude I found that a simple (but genuine) “thank you” or “you’re doing a great job” is highly effective in not only creating a positive atmosphere, but also promoting mutual respect and kindness.

The lesson here, ladies and gentleman, is to pay it forward. If someone does a good job, or makes your life a little bit easier, let them know. It takes about 5 seconds and I can assure you that the impact it has is totally worth it.

Purpose

It really bothers me when people message me without a purpose.

I mean, if you want to catch up or just want to talk that’s cool – I love that – but if that’s the purpose of contacting me then keep up the damn conversation.

Do not message me a random question out-of-the-blue and then provide me with the most useless responses of life (or not respond at all).

If I’m giving you details there should be enough information for you to ask a question, or make a comment. That’s how conversations flow.

Having said that, if you start a conversation, and I need to try ridiculously hard to keep it going because (a) you take 50 years to respond, or (b) you have no desire to ask questions/make comments, I’m going to take that as a lack of interest.

And logically, if you’re not interested, why are you wasting my time with a useless conversation?

Save yourself (and me) the time and brainpower, and don’t bother.

Next.

Suck it up, princess.

It really bothers me when people victimize themselves. Especially when the only reason they’re in a situation is because of their own actions.

Newsflash: You’re the one that messed up.

Suck it up, pay your dues, and do the best you can to make it better.

Stop whining and complaining and trying to make people feel sorry for you. I can assure you that 95% of people don’t.

I’m not trying to be cold, and I generally do not lack sympathy for others, but when you are the only reason for your unhappiness you are not a victim.

“It takes less time to do things right than to explain why you did it wrong.”
- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Something More

I want to feel something more…

Something greater than interest, more than intrigue, beyond excitement. Something that lasts longer than 5 minutes or 3 days or 1 week.

I can’t remember the last time I felt something significant… And I’m starting to wonder if it’s my perspective or attitude, or if I’m simply in the wrong place, trying the wrong things, with the wrong people.

This isn’t even about feeling something about somebody. It’s about feeling something for anything ― a song, a book, a new hobby, a new job, a new pair of shoes, a new friend… It’s about feeling something that convinces me that I’m where I’m supposed to be; that what I’m doing or at least where I am is in some way “right”. That something or someone gets me.

“Whenever you think or you believe or you know, you’re a lot of other people: but the moment you feel, you’re nobody-but-yourself.”

― E.E. Cummings

“Carpe diem quam minimum credula postero”

“Seize the Day, putting as little trust as possible in the future”

~ Horace

Reset, Revamp, Redesign.

If I could simply use Mr. Clean’s Magic Eraser on the past week of my life I likely would… It was just one of those weeks – the kind where nothing goes right, and you wake up on the wrong side of the bed everyday, and you hardly know why?

I guess I’ve been so caught up in just doing, doing, doing, that when it finally slowed down instead of feeling relieved I became aware of all the little imperfections. It’s clear I need to do some cleaning up in my life.

It isn’t always going to be rainbows and sunshine, and that’s perfectly fine, but if you’re waking up bothered everyday for a week something’s gotta give. The question I have now is what?

After some contemplation I think it’s come down to effort being applied compared to what is being received in return. It just isn’t adding up, and the bottom line isn’t cutting it for me. The issue is that this is the case for multiple facets of my life right now… So it’s just all-around disappointment. Some of which I’m just going to have to deal with, but it’s definitely time to make some changes, prioritize, and cut out whatever isn’t necessary.

I’m a big believer in happiness. If you’re not happy, it just doesn’t matter. Nonetheless, I’ll make a sacrifice when needed, and sometimes a little bit of unhappiness is simply a step towards greater future happiness, but I’m realizing that some things just aren’t worth it.

It’s about simplification – getting rid of all that is unnecessarily complicated, and putting more into what supports my purpose and priorities.

“It’s incredibly easy to get caught up in an activity trap, in the busy-ness of life, to work harder and harder at climbing the ladder of success only to discover it’s leaning against the wrong wall. It is possible to be busy – very busy – without being very effective.”

~ Stephen Covey

Inaction is Complicity

So it’s exam time. And I obviously haven’t been around the (online) social sphere due to the insanity that is my life… But yesterday, in the midst of hundreds of unread pages I had to get done hours before my exam, I came across one line that struck me.

Inaction is Complicity.

That’s all it took to spark some inspiration. 3 words. Three words that are so simple, yet made so complex by the many people who complain on a daily (sometimes hourly) basis.

Complaints get you no where. You don’t like something? Stop talking and do something. Change something. The fact of the matter is that by doing nothing you are simply accepting it – tolerating it – either way you’re wasting your time (and everybody else’s) complaining.

This is a highly simplified interpretation, however why must things be taken into such deep complexities?

Inaction is complicity. And simplicity is the answer.

Go out and find happiness, don’t stop until it’s yours.

“Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are” – John Wooden